By Joseph Gorski, AAS Director of Student Support Services 

Teaching and parenting skills overlap. Parents and teachers have children all day, often trying to convince them to do something they refuse to do. As a parent, it could be when your small child doesn’t want to eat vegetables, wear boots outside, go to bed, or get off their iPhone. As a teacher, it can be equally challenging, whether it’s trying to get a student to be kind to other kids on the playground, doing their work in class, or refusing to get off their iPhone. With this in mind, what did I learn about children before parenthood?

I had students long before kids. Starting out as a school teacher at an inner-city public school in New York City, my chief struggle was challenging behaviors. Students arrived late, talked on phones, refused to listen to my instructions, and generally avoided doing work. (Once a student ordered a pizza and tried to have it delivered to the classroom.) As a new teacher, I was frustrated, and I learned primarily through a litany of mistakes.

My first major mistake was abdicating responsibility. That is, if a student caused trouble, I would threaten to call the principal. If they refused to be quiet, or hand over an electronic device, I would say, “If you don’t stop, I’m calling the principal.” 9 times out of 10, the student would smile at me and continue. It rarely worked, even when the principal arrived. I quickly learned that I was, in fact, telling the student that they controlled the situation, not me. I was informing the whole class I didn’t have what it takes, and thus, needed someone else to do it for me. (A wonderful way to publically highlight my own helplessness.) I realized that If I wanted my class to be under control, I needed to do it, and no one else could do it for me.

The second major mistake was engaging in power struggles. Imagine this scenario; a student is talking on the phone in class, or constantly texting, obviously against school policy. I tell them to hand over the phone, and they refuse. Naturally, I  argue with them, demanding they give me the phone. It’s a spectacle, the entire class watching (and probably enjoying) my fruitless efforts to maintain what I thought was order. The student, now publicly involved in an argument, is less likely to comply, lest they be seen backing down in front of their peers. Attention starved, often the student enjoys the spectacle, getting the full attention of the teacher and the entire class. What could be better for an attention-seeking student?

What should I have done differently in the first scenario, and how might this apply to parenting? First of all, never abdicate power. Telling a student (or your child) that someone else is going to enforce discipline is a great way of showing that either you can’t be bothered to get involved in a deeper level of relationship (laziness) or that you don’t have the ability at all (powerless.) So, I stopped calling the principal and went to greater lengths to deal with it myself. Usually, this meant lots of time spent outside of the classroom. If the student didn’t listen to me, I’d ask them to stay after class and talk. Then I would also go see them at lunch. I’d also ask them to come talk to me after school. If they avoided me, I’d keep pestering them all week until they did show. I’d call home. Gradually, the student came to realize they couldn’t escape me, and would deign to comply with me in the classroom rather than deal with me all week. It also had a much more potent effect; they came to realize I cared about them. No one who was engaging in such ridiculous efforts would doubt that I wanted to help that student, the student included. Often, I became closest with the most troubled students.

How does this apply to parenthood? First of all, saying things like, “Wait until dad comes home” or “What do you think your mom will say” are the parental equivalents of calling the principal. You’ve already given away control, and lost the game. Just don’t do it. YOU are the parent and they are YOUR children. Unless you really don’t care about the outcome, I wouldn’t advise doing this. Worse, if you threaten and don’t follow through, they’ll just know to call your bluff next time.

In the second scenario, power struggles are another commonality with parenthood. Never back a student into a corner in which it’s a win or lose scenario. Patience is the key. Especially publicly. Never engage in a public power struggle. Revisiting the scenario in which the student refused to give me the phone initially, I asked them once. If they said no, I told them fine, and walked away. Startled, the student was wondering why I gave up. I told the student I hadn’t given up, but would follow up later. I wasn’t going waste anymore class time. This meant I would get the phone later, be it at lunch, in the hallway, another class, etc. The student, who knew all the time I spent following up with kids outside of the classroom, immediately recognized I wasn’t just bluffing, and then opted to give me the phone for the remainder of the class rather than deal with the backlash all day, and potentially all week. As adults, we have more patience than kids and have the ability to wait something out all week. Most kids don’t.

Secondly, I also started giving them options. That is, if they didn’t want to give the phone to me right away, they could quietly put it on my desk later. Or they could go to their locker and put it away there. As opposed to the “give it to me now” only option, I found students complied more if they were given additional time, and given some locus of control. Giving a child options, instead of “my way or the highway” is another time-honored practice for dealing with difficult kids. It gives the child agency, but still allows you a modicum of control. For example, if your child refuses to eat broccoli, offer “You can have half the broccoli, or you can have a whole carrot.” Give him a few minutes to choose. (This has always been the hardest part for me as a parent; the waiting. Often if I’m in a hurry and trying to come to work, for example, and my son might be refusing to wear a hat, I have a hard time finding the patience to give him a few extra minutes and a choice…)

Being a teacher is like being a parent of 20 kids, and having a classroom before kids taught me some valuable lessons. Likewise, being a parent has made me a better teacher. In my next Weekly Howl, I’ll discuss how having children has made me a better teacher. Until then, keep calm and carry on.