“A wise man once said nothing.”
– Proverb

Most mornings, I can be found walking around the AAS campus. This is one of my favorite times – welcoming students arriving at school. Each student, just like each adult, walks into school in their own way. Some have a spring in their step–excited to see their friends and for another day at school. Some have their hoods over their heads and appear to wish nothing more than to be back in bed. And others fall everywhere in between. How each child comes to school is up to them, and it is ok. 

Oftentimes, I will say, “good morning,” to a younger child and they won’t reply or will turn away or tuck their face into their parent’s shoulder. Typically, the mom or dad will tell their child to say, “hello” to me; sometimes that parent will apologize to me that their child hadn’t acknowledged my greeting. It is not necessary to do this on my behalf. Of course we want children to learn social skills, but they learn those skills (and how to be polite) by seeing their parents, other adults, and other children using social skills–not by being told to be polite. It is a good idea to tell them why it matters to reply to a greeting and to be polite, but I don’t think it’s helpful to force them if they are not comfortable. It is a normal part of childhood development that they have different reactions to social situations. It is important that children trust their feelings, and if they are not comfortable with a social interaction, they shouldn’t be forced into it. With consistent modelling (watching you), they will learn and become comfortable with greetings. Through my years at AAS and at other schools, countless children have tucked their faces into their parents’ shoulders each morning as I greeted them. Every single one of them began returning my greeting (or even initiating the greeting) as they grew older. I say good morning to them because I want to, because I want them to know they are welcome, even if they are not yet ready to say good morning back.

Similar to morning greetings for some kids, but not the same, are the challenges that introverts face. It is similar because it has to do with the fact that each person faces social interactions differently. It is different because whether or not a young child says hello is not a sign of them being introverted or extroverted. 

An introvert is someone who is “predominantly focused on internal thoughts and feelings rather than on external things or social interaction,” (Oxford Languages). Whereas an extrovert is “predominantly focused on external things or social interaction,” (Oxford Languages). Extroverts are often thought of as being outgoing and confident; introverts as being quiet and not as socially confident. Everyone falls somewhere in between 100% introvert or extrovert–we all have traits of both–and if you’re perfectly in the middle, you are an ambivert. 

Many cultures, especially western cultures, value extrovertism over introvertism. In cultures that prioritize extroversion, people who like attention and speak more in group settings are rewarded formally (eg. grades and work promotions) and informally (higher social status and leadership opportunities) for those behaviors. Meanwhile, people who are quieter and like solitude are often told that they need to change those behaviors. This is incredibly unfortunate. Pressuring young people (or anyone) who is more introverted to behave more extroverted is damaging. It can lead to self doubt and stress. Further, there is nothing inherently better about being an extrovert. The world needs both introverts and extroverts. Introverts bring some of the greatest ideas, literature, arts, inventions and more to the world. They often sit back in group settings and consider different perspectives or approaches to solving problems. Many of the worlds’ greatest leaders, performers, athletes, artists…have been introverts. 

To be sure, the world needs extroverts as much as it needs introverts, just not more. In fact, people who are more introverted benefit from learning how and when to be more extroverted, and vice versa. We just want them to learn these skills in a way that honors who they are and doesn’t force them to be someone else.

If you would like to read more about this topic, pick up the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. Or, read this interview with her: The Power of Introverts: A Manifesto for Quiet Brilliance; she also has this Ted Talk.

“Please kindly go away…I’m introverting.”
– Unknown