Talking to children is tough.
Listening to children is sometimes tougher.

What sometimes makes these conversations even more challenging is that what we hear oft times doesn’t match reality, but is instead the result of meddling minds crafting cognitive distortions.

So what are cognitive distortions?  Hmm…let’s see if you’ve ever noticed any of the following:

• If a child just barely doesn’t achieve a goal, they see themselves as a failure (All-or-Nothing Thinking)
• Your child creates a story of a possible future, and treats that future as fact (Fortune Teller Error)
• You point out a positive situation and your child says it “doesn’t count” (Disqualifying the Positive)
• A child sees a negative event and uses hyperbolic language “You never…” or “You Always” (Overgeneralization)
• Your child thinks other people are thinking negative thoughts about them (Mind Reading)
• A child attaches a singular term to a person “He’s a jerk” or “I’m an idiot” (Mislabelling)
• Your child sees one small, negative detail and obsesses over it, ignoring everything else (Mental Filter)

…and there are a bunch more, but you kind of get the point.  These reactions, these types of distortions have a few things in common: they’re irrational and logically impossible; they use exaggerated language and they’re often shared with a lot of emotion.

But the tough part is, when you’re on the receiving end of these distorted comments, you’re kind of stuck. You can’t fight irrationality with irrationality.  And you can’t find irrationality with rationality, so what can you do?

First, you need to do a little bit of mirror gazing.  Role modeling.  How often do you find yourself falling into this same verbal distortion trap?  At one time or another, I’ve made all of the above comments.  Golly, there’s a pretty good chance I voiced them all Wednesday.  And how about you?  When’s the last time your child might have heard you making one of the above about yourself or another person.  So…if you’ve ever dabbled in the distorted, the first step is to just start catching yourself.  And better yet, catch yourself in front of your children.  Show them what it’s like to be reflective and grow to be a better version of yourself.

Second, practice your listening skills, or, better yet, practice your responding to talking skills.  A few decades back, child psychologist Dr. Thomas Gordon came up with a series of considerations when talking to children, noted in his Parent Effective Training (PET) workshops.  In these communication guidelines, he noted some clearly ineffective techniques, among these - 1) DON’T give advice, suggestions or solutions, and 2) DON’T give logical arguments.

Umm, pardon?  If you don’t give advice or logical arguments, what else is there?  For these were my two go-to reactions.  Child has problem A.  Parent responds with solution X, Y and Z.  Wasn’t that caring parenting?

Gordon didn’t think so.  He also shared some other reactions to be wary.

So what then does work when you’re facing cognitive distortions?  Here comes the…

Third, let them talk.  Just the fact that your child is talking to you is huge.  Appreciate that you’re on the receiving end of a conversation.  That’s not always a parenting guarantee.  And just by talking, the thoughts that get to infinitely grow and spiral in their head can lose a little bit of their power when they have to be put into the word world.

Fourth, if they’d like more than just an understanding listener who lets them share, give them some techniques so they feel empowered to 1) recognize how their brain works, and 2) realize how to diminish the value of the words or to even reset how they’re seeing situations.  They could try the ABCD method:

• A - ACTIVATE event - What happened?  What started all these reactions?
• B - BELIEF - What are all the beliefs/opinions (the distortions) that came from this event?
• C - CONSEQUENCE - What now does your body feel like?  What are you now doing?
• D - DISPUTE - What’s all the evidence that supports your opinion?  What’s all the evidence that refutes it?

By going through this process, they see that what the mind can create, they also have the power to un-create.

The key is that the distorter (whether it be your child or yourself) is the one who does the figuring out.  They’re the ones that walk through the question of “How did I get to here?”

Then one day, in ages and ages hence, your child might be in the midst of an exaggeration explosion and calmly interject, “Wait…I think I’m having a cognitive distortion” or maybe just simply “I’m pretty sure I’m CD’ing”.

But, be patient.  Because…

Talking to children is tough.

Listening to children is tougher.

And growing is the hardest stuff and thing of them all.