I’m often asked by parents what they can do to support their child’s social emotional development outside of school. There is no big secret, and most already know the answer before asking; family. Specifically, spending time with your children.

There is a copious amount of research that suggests the best thing you can do is to spend more time with your children. How you spend that time is largely up to you, and encompasses a wide range of activities. No need for fancy bonding time; according to a substantial body of research, just eating meals with your children works. In the book, Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, the entire subject is how strong relationships between parents and children have a notably long lasting positive effect on children’s lives. It even extends beyond the immediate family. In the seminal study, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, strong connections with extended family are identified as a key component of health and longevity. Not surprisingly, this affects academics, too. According to the Rand institute, some studies suggest that family factors have four to eight times more influence than teachers on student achievement.

There is also strong evidence the reverse is true. Spending less time together is strongly correlated with negative outcomes. Children who often fail to establish these close bonds are at highest risk for behavior problems, failing out of school, drug abuse, and even incarceration. Famously, Dylan Kebold, one of the Columbine School shooters, wrote that his lack of connections and relationships (even within extended family) drove him to despair. 

Of course, even finding time to eat dinner with the family can be difficult. I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to this. We’re all busy, and between meetings, travel, and our own children’s schedules, we often lack time. But it need not be much. 10-15 minutes, a quick chat before bedtime, can be beneficial. It also need not be anything special, or a stereotyped “quality time” activity. There’s nothing wrong with netflix and chill. (Or video games, in my case.) Time spent together, even on the couch, is better than no time at all.

Let’s not forget the positive effect also works both ways. It has benefits for parents, too. The Harvard study I cited above implied parents benefit from spending time with their kids just as much. So, I implore you all, let’s spend more time with our kids, be it taking a walk, sharing a pizza, or playing video games. It’s nourishment for the soul, and good for us all.