Over time, one of the most significant student struggles I observed is perfectionism. It seems to appear mostly in females, but males also struggle with perfectionism. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do the best work possible, however, when perfectionism gets in the way of proper functioning, it can be debilitating and lead to depression. Additionally, perfectionism is a challenging trait to combat because we all want to encourage students to do their best. When was the last time you heard a parent say something like, “Just do the bare minimum,” or “Mediocre work is fine.” My guess is never. 

So how do we help students who struggle with perfectionism? There is no “one size fits all” solution, but I believe Dr. Lisa Damour, a psychologist based in the United States, has some great starting points for helping perfectionistic kids. Lisa has worked with children for over 20 years and has two children of her own. Recently, I listened to one of her podcasts and I would like to share some of her thoughts with you. Some of her ideas seemed counterintuitive initially, but upon further reflection, I can see she is right.

When communicating with a perfectionist child, it is tempting to say things like, “Take it easy. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Stop stressing out!” When you say things like this, the child will probably think things like, “You don’t get it,” and stop listening. This is because they don’t feel heard and understood.

Here’s how to change the narrative. Praise the student for wanting to do a good job, but not for  spending too much time on something that is unnecessary. For example, if a student already has a high grade in math, don’t encourage them to continue working on math at the expense of living a balanced life. Encourage your student to be tactical. You can say things like, “I know you want to do well, so how can you be strategic and maximize your time to do well overall?” Strategy is especially critical for students as they get into the IB. 

Additionally, sometimes perfectionistic students say negative things about themselves. Perhaps you have heard a student say things like, “I’m such an idiot for making that mistake,” or “I’m never going to do well in school.” Here are some ways to respond to statements like that. First off, start by stopping it. Say something like, “I love you but no one gets to talk about you like that. Not even you. I would never allow someone else to say things like that about you, so why would you say it to yourself?” If that response feels too direct, say something like, “I understand why this is your first response, but how could you think about this differently?” Allow them to process what they are feeling and thinking with you. Finally, you could say something like, “You and I both know that’s not true, but I can’t imagine how hard that must feel.” The key is to empathize with what they are feeling but not allow the negativity to take over how they think and feel about themselves.

I encourage you to visit Lisa Damour’s website and check out her podcasts and articles. Many of them are free, and she covers all sorts of topics related to parenting tweens and teens. Here are a few to check out: 

• How Should My Son Deal with Trash Talking Friends? 
• How do I support a teen who hates her body?
• How do I help my disorganized high school kid?

As always, the AAS Counselors are available to assist you with whatever challenges you face with your children. Please feel free to reach out to us if you need assistance.

Kelli Anderson, Elementary School Counselor kanderson@aas-sofia.org
James Villers, Middle School Counselor javillers@aas-sofia.org
Brook Pauley, High School Counselor bpauley@aas-sofia.org